Nov. 14.

When I Open My Heart

By Susu | Posted in Art, Bubbly Mind |
Comments (22)    352 views

I am a complex person. We all are. I am the happiest girl on the earth, until I fall. Suddenly, I start seeing all in sober hues. Until I rise again. Feel fat and ugly. Yes, the f word. Fat. The demon of my life. An internal accuser. A ruthless voice telling me I am worth… nothing. Until I get thinner and thinner… ’til no end.

Today I continue my fight out of the mess – teenage binge eating and adult anorexia. I long to eat freely and be happy. I continue to listen to the voice of wisdom and re-welcoming healthy weight. (Five kilos/ten pounds put on since I started recovering in the summer of 2010.) It is far from being easy.

With adequate food intake, my body is smiling, but my mind not. I have energy and feel stronger. I can run longer and not be afraid of sudden and scary hunger pangs. But, my mind accuses me of ugliness and loosing that special model look. As if I was undoing a precious diet project. Hello… I know. Well, the rational side of me knows that this is absurd thinking and irresponsible, too.

Nevertheless, the feelings are there. Accusing so loudly at times. I don’t know what my body’s best functioning weight is. (This all started at the age of fifteen after a ballet teacher told me to go on a diet.) And it scares the hell out of me. Does my body want to make me look ugly? Where will its hunger stop?

I guess I am writing this because I need to get it out. This is my corner of the cyber space, and it represents me. All the excitement, beauty, smiles and artistic endeavors that you see here are very much true and from my deepest heart. And then there is the weak side to me. The tender kid that never grew up. At at times crying inside.

My goal is to learn how to deal with myself without any food behaviors. To feel truly and honestly gorgeous at a healthy weight. The one that my body needs to have. Today, I am not quite there yet. But on the way. Sobbing every new step but after all, carrying on.

I’d so appreciate comments so that when the tough times come, I’ll pull them out. I love you all!

(The kitty photos are from a cat show I recently went to. Remember, I still have this cat-mommy fever. The other pics are from around where I am on the Riviera, patiently waiting to get a visa to move on with our lives.)

Art by Susu

Nov. 11.

Licorice Lullaby

By Susu | Posted in Art, Bubbly Mind, Fashion Champagne |
Comments (10)    465 views

Noir magic… fall falling! Fash’ folks get the black sticky stuff out. Here is my Sophistix sparkly serving – Angel Knit Top – go on take a peek, I know you’re ticked to!

Finally the rain spell ceased! It is challenging to keep one’s spirits up when the sky wants to fall upon. If the aqua magic persists over a week. No chance of going out for a jog, not even a stroll. Hop in the car, get some coffee, make your way back, and change pants.

That said, life is about realizing the presence of beauty in the smallest of things, non? The French claim loving to complain. I would proudly blurt that I haven’t grasped that part of integration during my ten baguette biting years. Consciously so. I prefer looking forward and finding out how to change for better, or if not in the games, accept and try smiling. Sweeter yet, contaminate others to tack on.

Challenges inveigle us on the move. Sometimes it would be easier to stay put. The comfy sentiment. “May nothing tremble my world.” But I boast out, bring it on, I’m ready to live! Fully, energetically and with a pumping heart.

Art by Susu

Sophistix top

Nov. 07.

Rykiel Rose

By Susu | Posted in Art, Bubbly Mind, Fashion Champagne |
Comments (14)    303 views

I stumbled upon these ample pants on my stroll at the seaside. An unexpected yard sale. The wind was blowing so hard. A lazy Sunday, hurrying over to savor some coffee at the local hang-out. Overlooking the Mediterranean, what else. I am really getting the hang of it here, see. The pants had the vogue flare to them. The Rykiel revived Scottish plaid vibe thing rocking. London visions in the fash’ world this era.

Has it rained or what here on the Riviera? On Saturday I could not leave the house. So, beautifully lazied out all day. Chicken boulghur for lunch, blogging indulgences in the afternoon, red wine and finger food, plus cookies and pear sorbet once the night fell. Being still is chic. Letting my soul come out. Finding myself in the mesages that I leave here and there… here in the cyber space.

The loveliness theory. We are all lovely. Not because of where we live, nor what we do. We are lovely – you are lovely, I am lovely – just because we are. Here today. Another rainy starting… shall try and go out for some fresh air. I will be thinking of you my sweets, and pondering upon your messages and how they have strengthened and beautified me so.

Art by Susu

H&M cardigan, Riviera vintage blouse and pants, Naf Naf necklaces, Bata pumps

Photos from Toulon, France