Self Love

Self Love

I get days when I feel fat. That irritates me. It makes me feel like I’m a failure. Yet I do know that I’m doing my best to eat just the right amount – a balance between proper energy and being thin. When I have my “yucky body day” I try to eat less, and do more sports until the feeling eases out. Sometimes I feel very deeply horrible and yet even a small reactive measure can put things back in the rosier mode. I try to keep this in mind during the darkest moments. A lot of the anxiety issues I face are about internal focus. Do I get fixed on something or can I manage to get my mind off of that thing?

Self Love

Yesterday I realized that what I need is to love myself and body the way it is today. No plans of loosing weight. No alterations convincing me that then things would be better. If I can really appreciate who I am – physically and personality wise – then many of my issues should be solved. I lack confidence in me. I think others have it better. They look better and feel better. Their lives are more interesting and they are less shy than I am.Their blogs are more successful and they earn more money. The list goes on and sounds, yeah, petty. Yet, these are the very thoughts I use to beat myself up when that kind of days rolls out.

Self Love

I eat healthily and mindfully. I do sports every day. I work hard at giving my clients the best. I try to be a good friend. I now also try to take care of myself by not letting family members or other people close to my heart walk over me. Logically when one does one’s best, one can be happy with that. Not more is possible. So, I can be confident. I can love me, the whole of me. This goes for everyone of us. I’m just using my life as an example.

Self Love

I know that pouring out my innermost thoughts like this, in a public space, can be risky. But this is the way I live my life. With my whole heart. By showing the example of talking about things that put a shadow on my life, and searching solutions for them, I hope to encourage others to step out to express their true feelings, too.

Self Love

So the initial question was about self love. That firm base of confidence that will accompany you wherever you go, and will be your best friend and source of power. I could start by telling the girl in the mirror how pretty she looks today. A strange thought yet worth of a try. Liking what is now is not letting yourself go. It is freeing energy for a positive approach.

Self Love

Susu – you are interesting, beautiful and loved. Feels weird to write but I’ll leave it here… as a reminder.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about the theme… Allie, I read your comment with a big smile on my face and will write more about my past life between Finland, USA, France and Canada!

Self Love Self Love Self Love Self Love Self Love Self Love

American Dream

American Dream

I have really decided to stop dwelling in the past. My life in Paris is finished. Over and done with. So I ain’t letting this crazy mind of mine ruin my life here and now. Paris was a passage, a phase… an era. It will always stay with me, in the core of who I am. But now it’s history, as far as I can see. Forcing yourself to like and to focus on something that doesn’t naturally come out so is not a given.

There are days when liking Canada comes easier – and then there are those when I’d rather leave this French-speaking territory. But I have my American dream and I am going after it. If need be, I’ll create my own reality – root beer flavored and jelly bean coated, country music ho-down hollering and corn field wide. What ever it takes to kill this Paris nostalgia beast – for good.

American Dream American Dream

Check me out in an American snow suit. The pics are from The Canadian Museum of History in Ottawa. Such a lovely journey through time there.

I believe in writing your own story, the way you need it to go. I came to America to find that sparkle that I once had – back in Wisconsin and Florida. I plan to continue chasing that state of mind, the Empire One. The Beyoncé bold and curvy, Katie Perry playful and energetic… jogging and rollerblading ferociously until I get there.

American Dream American Dream American Dream American Dream American Dream American Dream American Dream American Dream

An ice-cream float at the diner? Vanilla cream soda, why not… That’ll give us a chance to chat some more heartfelt stuff.

American Dream

Back in Blogland

Back in Blogland

I know I’ve been MIA for too long. Moving and settling into our new condo has gotten the best of me. It’s a whole lot of work, aside from all the regular work, to get everything looking more livable, less of a mess. I’ve also been traveling again. Here are shots from my trip to Ottawa.

Back in Blogland

I love Ottawa for its mix of culture, political power vibes and a youthful seeming nightlife scene. I bet that city would be a nice place to live in for a while. I do that a lot. Fall under the charm of a place I visit – and then wish to move there. I get over it pretty fast, though.

Back in Blogland

I’ve been enjoying the warmed up temps. I’ve taken two to four hour walks. Next week my plan is to go jogging post work. I’ll run to my friend’s place after I get done at 8:30. Then we’ll swoosh around in the park.

Back in Blogland Back in Blogland Back in Blogland Back in Blogland Back in Blogland

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

I finally got rid of my sinusitis – took a month and a half long battle. Then we traveled to Ottawa, followed by Montreal. I’ve had lots of extra work due to a translating gig. I love doing that. It just squeezed all juices out of me. Now I’ve been sleeping off the fatigue.

Rock Chick

I’d like to see friends again. There are so many people I haven’t been able to catch up with in too long. My business is going so well that once some students take a break, others rush right in. That’s good, money-wise. Sometimes some extra free time has no price though. But as a business owner, I have to forge the iron when it’s hot. So remaining thankful for my success.

Rock Chick

We bought a condo here in downtown Quebec City. The first one for me. I have an activity room to exercise and paint in. I’m excited about that. I’ve already been over there to break in my stepper. Another first one for me… an at home exercise machine. Sweet times ahead. I’m contemplating offering myself one more luxury – a single cup coffee brewer. Should I?

Rock Chick

So all in all, I’m being super active. Work is blooming, and body wise I’m feeling quite okay. I’ve started running again and that’s feels like heaven. Now my project will be to reconnect with one friend after another. All in following my own flow – not rushing things.

What about you – what has been up?

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

Rock Chick

Trendy Thin Knit – Food Talk

Trendy Thin Knit

Trying to find a balance in my body. Food things are difficult to figure out. Most of you know that I went down anorexia lane a few years ago. It crept on me subtly. I felt insignificant. Not having accomplished much career wise. There was this frustration and void in my life – even if I lived in Paris, the place I had wanted and chosen.

Trendy Thin Knit

It all started with a diet. I had had food problems – binge eating – in my past though. That started with a ballet teacher’s comment how I needed to be thinner. So in 2005 I got the taste of shedding kilos. Five years later I was in a very skeletal state. I knew it, yet didn’t really. I couldn’t bring myself into doing much about it. Just worry that I’d die. I was scared and trapped in my own game.

Trendy Thin Knit

I moved to Canada and decided to get better. For a year now, I have been eating without counting my intake. Trying to follow my hunger. It’s been more difficult than I had thought. I’ve been more anxious – mostly about life in general – than I would have liked. Why am I writing this? Because this is my blog and I feel the need to talk about this today.

Trendy Thin Knit

I have gained weight more than I would have wanted. I haven’t eaten uncontrollably. Just done my best at eating according to my hunger cues. I basically don’t eat any added sugars anymore. My mornings are made of two open faced sandwiches with veggies – one with a slice of ham, the other with a slice of cheese – and oatmeal. Lunches are salads with turkey and cheese, dessert, if needed, will be a cup of muesli. Dinners are again based on a salad, maybe salmon or chicken. If I need a snack I try to go for an apple, a banana or a granola bar.

Trendy Thin Knit

I ended up going to see a nutritionist. I had never done that before. So far she just told me to pay attention on my iron intake. Trying to eat more eggs and poultry, maybe a bit less cheese. The nutritionist also asked me what I weighed when I had a normal eating period in my life. The brief years in between my binging and restriction leading to anorexia, I weighed about what I do now. I realized that as I was talking to her.

Trendy Thin Knit

The nutritionist explained to me that we all have a programmed weight. That is something that our body decides on its own. We can spend our life fighting this number. If we do so, the body will activate its survival instinct and to be sure to prevail, will even add a few extra pounds to the programmed amount, just to be safe. So, the message to me was that I’m eating the way I should, no visible excess, and the fact that my body has still gained weight is due to my need of being at a higher number, yet. So, I was hoping to shed the four last pounds that I find ugly and too much, and now I am to be an adult about this all and just accept my body the way it needs to be.

Trendy Thin Knit

I would like to see my body energetic and thin. I don’t know if it is possible at a weight that my mind finds pretty. I don’t like my stomach which is not firm and lean. Some body unhappiness is due to happen to everyone. As I see my body get bigger, I’m less enthusiastic about taking pictures.

Trendy Thin Knit

This whole process is quite confusing. I am told that the body will not gain – on normal food intake – beyond its natural need. And that I am not to try to control this. Yet there’s this whole industry based on that.

Trendy Thin Knit

My body, my life (with energy and not anorexia lethargy) and my mind – we’re getting closer to a common understanding, yet there’s still a bit work to be done. Eating freely, recognizing real hunger from emotional stuff, loving my body the way it is, having energy to do what I need and want… These are a lot better than a few years ago. But they can be even more so.

Trendy Thin Knit

Trendy Thin Knit

Yep, sometimes a lot of pondering goes on behind this smile. Does any of what I wrote speak to you? How could we all find peace and feel beautiful without attacking ourselves?

Trendy Thin Knit

susu_1096

Trendy Thin Knit

Trendy Thin Knit

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

My life has been full of activity lately. I’m busy running my company. I try to find time for sports daily – although it hasn’t been for running since I still am not completely cured from the sinusitis.

Purple Candy

This season calls for perky colors, in my neck of the woods. Pretty hues and fabrics. Luckily the sun comes out more and more. Little things make me grateful.

Purple Candy

Any new plans that you have for spring?

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy

Purple Candy