I recently met a lovely, bubbly person, Anne-Sophie on the Net. She is blogging from Switzerland under the title Fighting Anorexia and sharing about her battle and victories over an eating disorder that had her in its gloomy grips for fourteen years. Anne-Sophie also travels abundantly, leading an intercontinental life – the title of her second blog.  Her communication is clear and inspiring. She starts her podcasts stating “they are about life”. And surely they are – a life where we dare to feed ourselves so that we can go out and do things that really matter. With no degrading, accusing or insulting self-talk.

Anne-Sophie put up a challenge. Writing out reasons for recovery and about the sparks of hope that keep you going. My disordered eating started when I was a fifteen. My ballet teacher told me to lose weight. All of a sudden, food became my enemy. The less I ate, the better person I was. Entered self-hatred and frustration. The result: binge eating. I would eat uncontrollably, afterwards feeling sick and so painfully ashamed. I never vomited, but “controlled” the situation with fasting and hours of sports. This was my horrible secret for fourteen years.

Then came happy changes in life and I was able to eat normally. A stressful situation, a need to tone up for a fitness exam, slowly but surely brought my old demons back. From 2005 to 2010, I gradually ate less and less and subsequently became severely underweight. My body mass index was 15, the anorexia limit being 17,5. In the summer of 2010, I didn’t want to put on a gram. But started recovering anyway, merely because I was afraid  to lose my husband. What man would love a sack of bones?

In one and a half years I  have put on about half of the weight I should. It has been a rocky road, with ups and downs. Today I am becoming positively fed up with this eating mess. I want to have energy to do what I want. I want to be healthy and be done with cramps and pains, constantly wondering what the heck is wrong with me, and deep down knowing that if I just fueled myself the way I am supposed to, all the troubles would be gone.

The sparks of hope on this roller-coaster ride back to a life are important to remember. When the bad day comes and I feel like the fattest person on earth – how petty and not-so-true Susa does that ever sound – I pull these precious drops of gold out. I feel strong enough to go out and do sports for a longer time. I get that lovely boost of fresh air and the pleasure of a good jog. When you are anorexic, you never know when your energy levels could plummet. Recovery means being able to go eat out and have a social life. This can do wonders to your couple, too. Sharing food is such a normal part of our life. I can have a body that doesn’t make people uncomfortable – when you are sickly skinny people start making open, rude comments. Now men are noticing me again. Flirt has returned. This feels soothing. I am able to think about other things than food – disordered eating takes so much energy, counting calories and worrying about maintaining the routine-filled system.

I also carry a timid hope that one day I could truly love myself and body the way I naturally am. I would love to go back to take a ballet class. Ballet gave me an eating disorder – now I want to claim my life back, and have ballet too.  But just as a way to celebrate Susa!

I am writing about this very personal issue – now in detail – because I hope that by doing so I could be of encouragement to others. That my suffering – and now I am actually in a better place health-wise than in years – would serve a purpose. I never wanted an eating disorder. It is no one’s fault. It just happened. Presently, I am tackling the final obstacles to break out. I would like to be a fighter partner to whom ever needs one. We’ll exchange messages and support! Just write me.

Here is my story… handle with care. What is your point in life needing some freedom ballet?

Art by Susa

Post modern gals shake it up… mix and match as we see fit. Pop art with my two style icons. Black and Bambi keg embracing from Kate, sexy lady simmering à la Marilyn. Mid winter needs a boost, red lips and accents rock it off.

Prints are lurking around the spring’s corner. They’ll swing tribal. Dance to floral tunes, naturally. Also jump on mirroring. Marilyn on my bosom… I’m ready to let the lady in me free.

I have struggled with a stiff and painful diaphragm. I’m reading an interesting book on how our bodies feel what we do or not want to sense emotionally. Diaphragm symbolizes our sentiments of ourselves, and the difficulty to let others close to our inner most being. It is also an area where questions of power and control are dealt. Daring to open up leads to freer sensations. Increased inner harmony. Our pain talks to us. It is a message. We should slow down and listen.

Okay, I curved it up a little here. J.Lo style. As in practicing to be a form-ful lady again. Daring to have my cake…

Here in Quebec City life is about taking it sensual. The crispy cold incites me to make extra effort in dressing up sensual. Ice bars have sprung up all over downtown since the the Winter Carnival kick off on Saturday. Drinks come in real ice glasses. I savored the local specialty – The Moose, hot red wine with maple syrup liqueur.

Check out my new smartphone case. The sweetheart knows her chick’s penchant for pink. Everytime I grab the magic device, I smile. Little pleasures make life.

I have decided to beat any nasty anorexia temptations with a sexy attitude. Paying extra attention on spurring the girl in me. Letting this chick be free to live life fully – with energy, flavors and fun time out with new friends. How do you celebrate your body and life? What are your boosts?

Red rosy hugs to sweet You!

Art by Susa

Marilyn&John print shirt, Etam pants, Bata pumps, Devernois purse

This spring will be about boho chic. Or grunge preppy, if you prefer. The good gal getting out there in creamy vanilla-cappucino-strawberry shake-colors and having a flower power, champagne shaded moment.

Here is a bubbly drop, my latest painting… Can you sense the Canadian influence?

Lots has been going on in my life… In the midst, working up that sexy attitude.  Feeling like a la-day in my skinny jeans. Leg hugging stuff – yay – and put it into good use. Feel the cat queen in you roar!

So, I found a new job! I am again teaching English to adults. I missed being a trainer. It was titillating hopping back in front of a class. They asked me if I was an artist… I was stunned. “What made you think so?’ was I able to mutter. “Everything in you. The way you talk, your clothes and earrings, not to mention your funny fur bag.” Aren’t unexpected human encounters the best?

A chick has to get crazy, too…

Quebec City has a few nice bars to go out for a 5 à 7… happidy-hey hours, huh! But so far champagne hasn’t fizzed in my glass… kissable cherry mojitos, yep. Smack!

Don”t you love Enrique Inglesias’ latest? I am pure bubbles… dirty dancer, oh là là!

Art by Susa

Quebec City vintage dress shirt, Pimkie jeans and sequined belt, Naf Naf scarf, Riviera pumps, London vintage necklace

Here in my little 70s decor living-room ideas are cooking. Parmesan chicken, diet root beer, Bath&Bodyworks cinnamon apple candle sweetly filling the air with lush spicy powder… one girl’s meal. I feel good and grounded. I had to exercise certain kind of firmness this week. The art gallery wanted me to work more than possible within my comfort zone, and in regards of our life expectations as a couple. So my boss and I parted our ways. In mutual respect. Our needs just weren’t compatible. I feel proud of the solid mental strength I was able to adhere to. I pondered, asked entourage’s advice, made my decision and stuck to it. For someone having difficulty with setting limits as in what is and isn’t okay for me, this is a wondrous step.

So now all exciting career doors are open again. I have already contacted the company I used to work for in Paris, and hopefully some English-teaching gigs will soon be hoppedy-hopping my way. That would be a lovely, solid base. I do love inspiring people to find the joy of learning new, and most of all, in doing so increasing their thirst for life. I can do this, I am capable, my life is precious… this is “the sentiment” I long to trigger.

In addition, I am playing with the idea of making a living as an artist. I have to look into the best channels of finding buyers for my work. Realism. Money is needed to feel sweet and safe. The third idea is life coaching. Many of my close ones have waved this idea at me. “Susa, you’d be a great life coach”. So what if now was the time to plunge in? A new country, some new career turns? I will have to consolidate and further study that idea as well. I have a connection with someone in the field. You do know, right, that if you want to get somewhere, find a person who is already there and then try and learn as much as you can from them.

New winds. Big choices. Everything has to be made with care. Dreams as my guide – reason as my safe place. What do you think of all this?

Art by Susa

Here is my newest creation Fashion Dust Cocktail – a dose of vodka, some pink Crush cream soda (in Europe you could use Sprite) and a girly touch with a cocktail stick through a marshmallow and a jelly bean. The drink is sweet, yet the vodka bites off some of the tang. It is light-spirited, giving you the welcomed January jump. I accompanied my snow white Cosmo with some marinated mushrooms and other dipping veggies. Several wheat thins and pickles were also seen on stage.

Did you watch the Golden Globes? I did and savored the glamour and joyous moments. It is a quality being able to rejoice for others’ success and sweet moments. Jealousy is the core of a lot of mental bugs. Eating disorders can stem from feeling inferior – fatter and less of a success. Yet if I find true love in me, I am confident that this is my special being. The way I look. My forms and curves. My unique shape.

Let’s encourage people around us to be themselves. Inside and out. Rude and pushy remarks serve for nothing. Only positivity will change the world. One cocktail at a time, we can celebrate life and each sweet other. I love you, loves! Mushy mushy, I know.  But hey, this is my blog and that is Me!

Art by Susu

Photos of Quebec City, Canada