Trying to find a balance in my body. Food things are difficult to figure out. Most of you know that I went down anorexia lane a few years ago. It crept on me subtly. I felt insignificant. Not having accomplished much career wise. There was this frustration and void in my life – even if I lived in Paris, the place I had wanted and chosen.
It all started with a diet. I had had food problems – binge eating – in my past though. That started with a ballet teacher’s comment how I needed to be thinner. So in 2005 I got the taste of shedding kilos. Five years later I was in a very skeletal state. I knew it, yet didn’t really. I couldn’t bring myself into doing much about it. Just worry that I’d die. I was scared and trapped in my own game.
I moved to Canada and decided to get better. For a year now, I have been eating without counting my intake. Trying to follow my hunger. It’s been more difficult than I had thought. I’ve been more anxious – mostly about life in general – than I would have liked. Why am I writing this? Because this is my blog and I feel the need to talk about this today.
I have gained weight more than I would have wanted. I haven’t eaten uncontrollably. Just done my best at eating according to my hunger cues. I basically don’t eat any added sugars anymore. My mornings are made of two open faced sandwiches with veggies – one with a slice of ham, the other with a slice of cheese – and oatmeal. Lunches are salads with turkey and cheese, dessert, if needed, will be a cup of muesli. Dinners are again based on a salad, maybe salmon or chicken. If I need a snack I try to go for an apple, a banana or a granola bar.
I ended up going to see a nutritionist. I had never done that before. So far she just told me to pay attention on my iron intake. Trying to eat more eggs and poultry, maybe a bit less cheese. The nutritionist also asked me what I weighed when I had a normal eating period in my life. The brief years in between my binging and restriction leading to anorexia, I weighed about what I do now. I realized that as I was talking to her.
The nutritionist explained to me that we all have a programmed weight. That is something that our body decides on its own. We can spend our life fighting this number. If we do so, the body will activate its survival instinct and to be sure to prevail, will even add a few extra pounds to the programmed amount, just to be safe. So, the message to me was that I’m eating the way I should, no visible excess, and the fact that my body has still gained weight is due to my need of being at a higher number, yet. So, I was hoping to shed the four last pounds that I find ugly and too much, and now I am to be an adult about this all and just accept my body the way it needs to be.
I would like to see my body energetic and thin. I don’t know if it is possible at a weight that my mind finds pretty. I don’t like my stomach which is not firm and lean. Some body unhappiness is due to happen to everyone. As I see my body get bigger, I’m less enthusiastic about taking pictures.
This whole process is quite confusing. I am told that the body will not gain – on normal food intake – beyond its natural need. And that I am not to try to control this. Yet there’s this whole industry based on that.
My body, my life (with energy and not anorexia lethargy) and my mind – we’re getting closer to a common understanding, yet there’s still a bit work to be done. Eating freely, recognizing real hunger from emotional stuff, loving my body the way it is, having energy to do what I need and want… These are a lot better than a few years ago. But they can be even more so.
Yep, sometimes a lot of pondering goes on behind this smile. Does any of what I wrote speak to you? How could we all find peace and feel beautiful without attacking ourselves?