I have had the urge to push myself into digging deep in me for answers – how to feel free from sadness. I realized that I have been sad for a long time. Sadness that is due to no one. No lack of love. No lack of friends or family. But that deep sad place that I find myself in. I put myself in. Maybe. How I got there isn’t the important thing.
I realized that I used to be a sad child. Sad for things that I could see but couldn’t change. That’s okay to realize. No one’s fault. Not at all. Then I became aware of having been the shy teen. Frustrated with myself for not reaching my dream of being the excellent ballerina. Asking always more and more from myself. Finding bad, overeating ways to soothe the frustration in me.
In my thirties I stated using loosing weight as a way to escape from life’s true feelings. I got so entangled in calorie tango that it took all my energy. My ballet passion had been replaced. Yet that couldn’t go on.
I found myself blaming the place where I had moved to for the emptiness I experienced. But the void is somewhere else. The root of the sadness. That I have to find. Then weed it out of my life. First time ever. Only then will I be free to see where I could really be happy.
How to get to my core. I’m trying to find out. Looking for answers from people in my life – friends, family, my pastor, reading on the Net, connecting with blog friends. This is the most important voyage I have ever embarked on.
I would love to hear your experiences and ideas.
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